I frequently talk about most issues with a significant deal of abstraction. Too often anecdotes and even sometimes more formal data doesn’t accomplish much of substance and so taking the broad view is the most productive. However, last night I was party to a useful anecdote that helps to illustrate the difference in gender role strictness between men and women, and perhaps the different interpretations that might be given by feminist and post-feminist analysis.
Last night I went to a bar to hang out with a female friend and catch up, having not talked with her for a month. After three hours, it is time for her to leave (it being a weeknight). In the time there, we had talked with a few other guys who were hanging out at the bar as one often does out of courtesy. First, they assumed I was “with” her. Upon hearing that this was not the case, they assumed I wanted to be “with” her (or in some cases also pointed out that they would like to be). What followed was an attempt to shame me for not trying to hook up with her that evening.
Basically the message being passed was, you aren’t a man unless you actively and aggressively pursue every avenue for getting laid. Moreover, that getting laid is always the subtext to male behaviors towards women. When Harry Met Sally aside, whatever truth there is to the claim that there is always an underlying sexual element does not mean that it is or should be made overt.
Now, feminists would accurately condemn this instance as representing an objectification of women, as they treat my friend as the prize of essentially a male battle for ownership. It isn’t a question of whether to them, but whom. This is problematic, but perhaps contrary to what I would expect feminists to claim, it is not the most problematic aspect. More problematic is how narrowly and strictly a male gender role is enforced in this exchange, one that promotes this objectification. The objectification is simply a symptom of a culture that allows much less gender variation among men than it does among women. This is why I state that many of the remaining problems in how men interact with women rely on progress on how men interact with men and women interact with men (and for that matter how women interact with women in other ways). This is why I feel there is a need for a broader gender movement.
Though there is research that shows gay men to be relatively more like women in certain emotional or psychological ways, if you want to see the damage that this male gender role purity can bring, look no further than how gay men interact. The latest issue of Out has a disturbing article about the cruising website Manhunt.com. A significant portion of the gay male community displays the male gender norm taken to its extreme and destructive end.
